Another week of PMDD hell. By Monday I was almost beside myself, I was feeling so bad. I just wanted to talk to somebody who could understand. But who in my circle could understand? I am incredibly difficult to live with when I’m going through this, and sometimes the least damaging thing I can do is shut myself away. Then on Monday evening, something quite wonderful happened.
I decided to post a dVerse Quadrille about PMDD. The response was something I hadn’t expected at all. I just felt like I was complaining, being annoying and venting my frustration, but the amount of kind comments and words of encouragement I received from readers and fellow writers was truly heartwarming. It got me through that difficult day.
I’m not one to suffer in silence: I like to talk my problems out. This wonderful community of writers helped me do that. Thank you to everyone who showed me support and kindness during this difficult time. I can’t put into words how much this means to me!
Facing the future
As several people have pointed out to me recently, 1/3 of one’s life is a long time to spend going through hell. Sometimes I can tough it out better than others, and when I’m in my ‘well’ phase of my cycle, it’s as if my PMDD doesn’t exist: I feel as close to a normal human being as I’m ever going to get. That’s partly why it’s so hard to convince people it’s real: even I hardly believe it when I’m asymptomatic.
I had a long chat about it with my oldest son on Sunday night. I feel sorry for him, as I can’t be there for him when I’m ill in the same way that I can the rest of the time. I explained ‘mummy’s going to get ill like this every 3 weeks for the next 10 years or so.’ And that’s when it dawned on me that perhaps I have to examine treatment options. It’s a lot to expect of a person to just go through it, and also a lot of pressure to put on that person’s immediate family. I’m just so reluctant to go to the gynaecologist in case they don’t believe me. But I think it will have to be done. Let’s hope the cycle will not be unbroken.
In the meantime…
I kept myself busy writing. I seem to be able to do that, in one form or another, however bad I feel. I launched my Anthropocene Hymnal project and received a tremendous response. I was nominated for Spillwords Author of the Month. I started the week feeling very positive, in spite of my symptoms. So the cycle continues: I feel bad; I write. I feel good; I write. I move across the continent; I keep writing. My kids grow up; I keep writing. It seems to be the one constant in my life right now, and I’m grateful for it. We all need something to keep us grounded and anchored in the tempestuous sea that is this life.
I’m going to leave you with a song and a question: I could never work out whether the circle being unbroken was supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing? If you’d care to enlighten me, I’d be most grateful…