30 Years On #poetry #bereavement

30 years since you walked out that door
into another world, unknown to me
and did you know, that fateful night 
the wounds you would be opening?
Unhealed 
for 30 years and more
no doubt
unending till eternity 
should close my eyes
as they closed yours
and I can never know 
the details: where did you go in?
I hope that it was high up
that your neck broke with the impact
and you didn’t struggle with the seething waters
though they said ‘asphyxia’ so probably this was not the case.
Your body travelled downriver 
as your soul rose and we agonised over
whether you would be coming home
knowing full well you could not.
I have never felt a shred of anger
no, it isn’t anger
just a hunger to understand better
what exactly drove you to the brink
and as for me: in those 8 years you gave me enough love
to last a humble human lifetime and many more years spanning the bridge into infinity
I may have lost my way
it’s understandable 
we’re all carried by our own river in life 
the undercurrent, deeper than any hurt or fear
is love.

Just working through some feelings this morning. It’s 30 years to the day since my mum committed suicide by drowning. It’s always been a tough one to get my head around, especially since I became a mum myself. Needless to say, she was suffering from many mental health issues, full of tablets and alcohol, and no-one seemed able to help her. I still miss her very much and sometimes I think of the words of Don McLean:

This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.